Even If I Could Find my Birthmother – Fear Prevents Me

For most of my life, I’ve said I am fine without knowing my birth/first mother. That is untrue.

The reality is somewhere in the middle. Pondering my roots is not keeping me awake at night, but I do wonder about my beginnings more often than I’ve previously admitted.

I am curious to know anything about my biological family. But I’m unwilling to sacrifice the enormous amount of time, energy, and emotional labor to find them.

My Birth Hospital Kerala

As a speaker and writer in the adoption space for nearly a decade, the birthmother quest is one of the triumvirates of the international adoption arena. The other ones are: Have you returned to your birth country? And how was adoption discussed in your house growing up?

People consistently ask if I’ve met my birthmother, or hope to find her. I’m 38 years old and terrified to search.

The woman who raised me and who I call ‘Mom’ is one of my best friends. I love her immensely and cannot imagine any mother loving me more than she does.

I wonder about my first mother sometimes, but searching for and finding her is a scary thought. The woman who birthed me has been absent from my life for almost its entirety.

Finding my biological mother requires sifting through reams of historical records because the only identifying information in my passport is one name;


There is no last name or middle name. The address recorded is the foundling home where I lived until adoption. My adoptive Dad is listed as my ‘Father.’ No records exist about my biological father.

How could I search using such paltry information? Any birth record, if a hospital kept them, would be in my native tongue, Malayalam. Examining the logistics involved (staying long-term, finding readers of Malayalam and good English speakers, to direct me, ask questions etc.) would be a supremely daunting task.

Kerala is the size of Switzerland with a population of 35 million people.

My parent’s feelings would not be hurt if I searched. If I sought her, they would not see my wish to find her as a threat. Their attitude would be the opposite. I’m sure they would encourage me, support my quest and ask many questions during the process. They’ve always worked creating an emotionally healthy and transparent adoption experience for me and my siblings.

Once, I had a ‘birthmother’ hole that I longed to fill. I still do, but the void has lessened with my daughter Sonali’s birth. I don’t feel a gnawing for a biological connection anymore.

For much of my life, I pretended that I didn’t care.

But that was insincere. I respect my birthmother and wish her the best, wherever she might be. I think about her on Mother’s Day, my birthday and my adoption anniversary.

But I have no idea what I’d say to her if we actually met. When I run through the possible scenarios in my mind, some meetings are horrible and others are wonderful.

We could have a beautiful reunion. It’s possible we would get along splendidly, both respecting boundaries, developing a deep and lasting relationship. We might be able to ‘make-up’ for the lost lifetime away from one another.

Or it could be dreadful.

What if she does not want to know anything about me? Maybe she’d resent me for inserting myself back into her life. Possibly she’d reject me as an adult, cursing me for finding her. She might begrudge my American life, constantly ask for money, and use my position as her child to gain emotional leverage over me. These are not outlandish reunion scenarios. I’ve heard of them happening to other adoptees.

I’ll never know what the exact storyline might be.

Thinking about the added drama knowing my past would bring into my life is intimidating. Through much of my existence, I’ve viewed meeting my biological mother as a cost-benefit analysis. Would I gain as much finding her, as I would potentially give up by having my life upended so viscerally?

The answer for me is a resounding no. It’s too jarring and I’ll just live without knowing.

For many adoptees, finding their birth mother or father is of paramount importance. I’m still exploring how important it is for me.

I waffle about wanting to know my origins and I don’t know where I would begin. If I could salve the wound in my life, forever answering the missing part of my narrative I’d think about it. But finding her would be nearly impossible.

I visited the hospital of my birth in 2011. It was a powerful emotional experience.

It was the closest I’ll ever be to my birth mother and I am coming to peace with that.


  1. That void and all questions will be filled and answered by God some day buddy! I also agree that you hit the lottery with the parents you have. I wish there was an easy way to make the connection but I agree that it would take enormous amounts of time and resources. 35 million divided by 2 and 50+ years old would help narrow the demographics of your Kerala search to maybe 7 or 8 million people assuming your biological mother still lives in the area. You could plot out all the hospitals in Kerala and draw a radius circle around the hospitals to estimate the limit of how far away from the hospital your mom may have lived. You’d have to discover what hospitals were open in 1979. After this point, I think you’d need to begin the actual search. It helps that Sasmita is fluent and could help you interview people that fit the demographics of your mother. Even if your mom isn’t in the area, you might find the right village or town around the hospital, and someone might know her and know your story. Let me know if you want to give it a go. Maybe she’s on Facebook?!

    1. Thanks for the thoughtful comment Jay. So glad to have a friend like you. I’ll have to give the search serious thought. Now that I’ve admitted that not knowing my birth family does bother me, I need to get my head around the idea of all the possibilities out there. You are right, my parents are great and I’m so thankful for them. As for the logistics, one hindrance is that Sasmi doesn’t speak Malayalam, in the myriad of languages that she does speak. So she couldn’t really help in the search in that way. And I know what hospital I was born in, from another adoptee, so that part is nailed down. We shall see, right now I don’t have the time/energy required for a search. But you’ll surely know if that changes. I know you’d get super into the sleuthing aspect of my search if I decided to go that route.

  2. Everyone has their own speed and their own way. And yes, you have to “commit” in a Bushido sense of discipline and purpose, I think. It’s really one’s hero’s voyage. I’ve known people who are clear one day and years later have taken a different point of view. I applaud you for taking what steps are right for you. In the end you may find what you want to know or don’t want to know. I think once you decide, you are ready for anything. Good luck, A.J.! Maybe this might sound similar, but different too. http://www.howluckyuare.com/my-heros-story/

    1. Thanks for reading and the comment Rudy. I keep going back and forth about whether or not to commit to a search. I feel like it’s not something I can do half-way, but something that I must be fully invested in. Keep reading, because if I do go ‘all-in’, I’ll surely be writing about it. I look forward to reading your story as well.

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *